Customer Service, Barack Obama Style (Parody)
By Ralf Skirr.
Last night I was working on the German translation for a customer service text.
I got sidetracked – because for about a week now I’ve also been studying the rhetorical techniques of Barack Obama.
And sometimes, when two unrelated things come together, something new is created.
So a few hours ago the ‘Customer Instructions, Barack Obama Style’ came into existence.
The Original Customer Instructions.
This is sent to the customer after a purchase. It’s an instruction on how to obtain the ordered product.
If you’re in internet marketing, I’m sure you’ve had customers yourself that didn’t read the instructions and then panicked…
“A verification email has been sent to the email address you provided. Since Servers do not make exceptions please wait a bit and be sure to check your Spam folder too.
When you see the verification message, click on the link you will find inside. Once done you will receive a new message with the information to access your purchase. Please follow the instructions and everything will go fine.
If you think Servers made an exception for you, please first wait to see if you get the email message – servers are slow some times; and then recheck your spam folder.
Only if you’re certain that something must be wrong with your subscription then submit a ticket to our helpdesk and be sure to include your full name and a copy of the original receipt.
Thank you for helping us to serve you better, faster and more efficiently.”
Next the rewritten version.
Let’s save our customers from the trouble of not getting the confirmation email.
It’s best to read it slowly while imagining Barack Obama’s powerful voice, brimming with certainty and reassurance.
Customer Instructions, Barack Obama Style – Delivered After Purchase.
I stand on the shoulders of our forbears when I say to you:
You will be served.
I am humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed.
That we are in the midst of a purchase is now well understood.
We, the Internet Marketers, have remained faithful to our ideals, and true to our founding documents, the terms of service.
- One places an order, one receives a confirmation mail.
- One opens his mail, one finds a link.
- One clicks his link, he gets his goods.
So it has been.
So it must be.
- Your Faith may be shaken; our Server stands tall.
- Your patience may be lost; our Server loses no one.
- Your mailbox may be empty; our Server delivers.
Orders may be placed by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled …
… our Server makes no exception.
You will be served!
Our confirmation emails have been sent during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the purchase is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms.
In that case you should heed the call from ancient scripture:
“My spam folder runneth over.”
The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to demonstrate patience in the wait for our email, to re-evaluate our spam folders.
Then for those, who waited without gain …
For those, who searched without reward …
You will be served!
- Do not hesitate to call in the duty of your community.
- Do not hesitate to submit a support ticket.
Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year.
- We will harness the deepest depths of our databases.
- We will conquer the vastness of hyperspace.
- We will restore your email to its rightful place.
All this we can do. All this we will do.
You will be served!
Disclaimer And Resources.
- I have the utmost respect for President Obama and for his ability to deliver speeches that move millions. My seemingly disrespectful text above is in no way intended to diminish this. It is instead intended to give you a chuckle, no more no less.
- I’m fully aware of the severeness of the problems that the original inaugural speech addressed. That I’m using similar words in a ridiculously unimportant context is not denying the hardship that people all over the world feel right now. Switching context is just a technique of humorous writing, used by many writers.
- I do not intend to hurt anybody by re-wording a few words from the bible.
In the opening sentences I said, there’s nothing to learn here.
Well, ’twas a lie.
Actually there is something to learn.
What if you just learned, that any boring topic can be delivered on your web site using the very same rhethorical techniques that master influencers use? That peple who move millions use?
If that sounds interesting to you, stay tuned. I promise I’ll provide further insights on influential writing VERY soon.
For those that can’t wait, here’s a great starting point. These are the original Barack Obama speech transcripts I used to write the parody above.
Barack Obama’s victory speech on election night.
Barack Obama’s inaugural address.
Barack Obama Photo by Pete Souza /The White House